Nonviolent Communication (NVC) is a communication method that seeks to bring forth what is alive in us and in those we share our lives with.By expressing observations in a nonjudgemental way, expressing one's feelings and needs, and making requests in a generous manner, NVC seeks to promote empathy, understanding, and connection with others. It requires courage to connect with our vulnerability, but the gift of experiencing true intimacy with those we love is worth it.

How it works:

1) Start by making observations on what triggered your emotions or about the situation in which you find yourself. Observe the behaviors (or lack of behaviors) in an objective, non-biased, and concrete way. Pay special attention to avoid words that generalize (never, always) or make assumptions about others.  ( Instead of saying : "You always act so annoyed when I ask you to help around", try saying "When I asked if you could help me with the dishes this morning, I noticed you rolled your eyes". 

2) The next step is to come in touch with your emotions. Notice what feelings come up as you become aware of this observation. Remember, feelings are not always reality. They help us navigate reality. So while we may feel panic to speak to the cute person across the table, that doesn't necessarily mean that it is a life threatening experience. We bring awareness to emotions as a door to help us explore more. Check the feelings lists below to help you hone with precision what emotions come up. 

3) Once you connect with your feelings, you are now able to connect with a deeper part of yourself: your human need.  Human needs are universal, so when we bring them out and share it with others, we are able to share in that common mutuality and there is a space for empathy. In other words, we open our hearts to connect. It is incredibly difficult because it requires us to become vulnerable, and in that vulnerability we lose our defenses that protect us from getting hurt. But it is precisely this vulnerability that can be a catalyst for deeper, more meaningful relationships. 

Take a look at the Common Human Needs list below. Ask yourself what need is not being met or what need lies behind the emotions you are feeling. Check in with all parts of you and see if it is safe to bring down the protective barriers, to share that vulnerability. If you notice a hint of resistance, listen. That resistance may need more reassurance, more boundaries, or something else before lowering the guards.  

4) Finally, the last step is to make your request. We live in a community, and we need the community to thrive. Being able to ask your community if they would be willing to help you meet your needs is at the core of being human. Sometimes the other person may not be able to meet that need. And that is okay. But it saves us a lot of headaches and time knowing that ahead of time. 

Use the following sentence structure:

When you/I noticed [ OBSERVATIONS ] and that brought up [ EMOTIONS ] I needed [ NEED]. Would you be willing to [ REQUEST ]